I’m a wreck

Actually, not really. Husband is fine. His car is not.  He Totalled his beloved hooptie, Ruby, yesterday. Ruby, belovedly names by our children. A teal car by he way. The humor may have been lost on our kids, but not us. We loved Ruby. She has served us many years. And would have continued to serve us for many years to come…
..Except the sun. Anyone know what Insurance company the sun uses? Unfortunately, the sun blinded my my husband. And by he time the SUV eclipsed the sun, Husband was making contact. Everyone was fine, but Ruby had to be towed away. ūüė¶
I would love to give a shout out to Geico Military at this time. They have made the claim process so easy, and we will have a check in hand by tonight. I wish I could say things went as smoothly with the tow company,  but unfortunately I had to get in their face twice, once in person, which I don’t like to do. 
There is absolutely no reason to treat people the way they treated me. When people are post-accident, they need compassion and understanding, especially from one of only four tow companies allowed to service on-base military personnel. We are moving in less than a week, and these people seemed to be reveling in the power they held over me.  Well, here is a news flash, they messed with the wrong gal.
Well, I don’t have to deal with them any longer, I just wish some people weren’t like that. Thankfully our insurance is great.
Thank you Geico for always being so awesome to us. After all these years, and growth to a national company, you still take care of your military and federal families. 

Remember…

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“Friends and family make ‘the Suck’, suck less.” -Renee Keltner

Spiritual and social stability and support help you move on when ‘the Suck’ gets to be too overwhelming.

For me, ‘the Suck’ is my chronic illness, and the daily struggle it leaves in its wake.

What is your ‘the Suck’?

chin-up

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Embrace ‘the Suck’, and move on.

Where to begin…

It has been so long, I don’t even know where to start anymore. ¬†I really need to get on here more often and write. ¬†It is so therapeutic, and it helps me process so much. ¬†Somehow life keeps getting in the way. ¬†I used to blog almost daily. ¬†In fact, I met some of my best friends that way. ¬†Before that, I journaled every sing day. ¬†Somehow I just don’t anymore. Don’t find the time. ¬†Don’t write. ¬†Don’t make it a priority. ¬†And I really should.

I’m¬†moving again. ¬†I guess it is to be expected since my husband is a soldier, but sadly, once again, he isn’t coming.

What started out as a fight, with me wanting to escape run away again, lead to a two-month journey of self-discovery. ¬†Somehow, in my journey of life, I keep losing myself along the way. ¬†My husband and I¬†do not have a great marriage. ¬†We get along like spaghetti and peanut butter cats and squirrels. ¬†But we are committed to each other, and to making it work. ¬†Marriage isn’t easy¬†and takes a lot of work. ¬†Work that is difficult in any circumstances. ¬†But throw in the military, and only seeing each other once in a two year period, that would be difficult for the best of marriages.

Back to the fight, I decided I was leaving. ¬†I didn’t know what I wanted with my life. ¬†So I packed my girls and I up in the truck, along with our three cats, and we hit the road. ¬†No destination in mind, I just knew I had to go. ¬†I needed to get lost in order to find myself. Continue reading “Where to begin…”

I am not my Stuggle

I am not my Stuggle

So often we are asked, ” Who are you?” ¬†A man might identify himself by his job, and so many of us do identify ourselves by what we do, or our roles in our lives. ¬†A woman might find herself identifying as a mother, or friend. ¬†Maybe a sister, or daughter. ¬†And all these descriptions are fine. ¬†But that doesn’t come to quite describe the person, just the role, does it? ¬†Sure, I am a sister, daughter, mother, friend, wife, partner, teammate. ¬†Those lists of roles in my life could go on forever. ¬†The hats that I have worn are endless. ¬†Lets add cook, taxi driver, accountant, bookkeeper, counselor, confidant… we could sit here forever. ¬†But do these hat, these roles, really describe who we are?

When I converted to Judaism I was given the task of picking a Hebrew name for myself. ¬†I didn’t realize this was something I had to do myself. ¬†Fore some reason I thought this was something my Rabbi would do for me. ¬†After all, when a baby is born into a Jewish household he or she does not get to pick their own name, so it never dawned on me that I would get to pick my own name. ¬†And my Rabbi knew me better than anyone at that point, so I thought he would be giving me my Hebrew name. ¬†So when I went about picking my Hebrew name, like everything else in my life, I took this very seriously. ¬†I also had to pick my daughters’ names at the same time, and since I got to choose my names, I let them chose between three names I picked for them, since this was their journey as well. ¬†When it came down to the name I picked for myself, I actually ended up changing it hours before my Mikvah (the official point where I became recognized as Jewish). ¬†Naphtala, the female version of Naphtali, which means “to struggle” was the name I chose, because for me, every decision, every step, every moment of my life is a struggle. ¬†Some might see this as a negative, but it is out of these struggles that I find meaning. ¬†I take nothing for granted. ¬†I don’t make decisions lightly. ¬†Many people assume that I flit through life, but nothing could be further from the truth. ¬†Things don’t come easily for my children and I, but because of this, we cherish it all. ¬†Just because I chose to identify myself in my Hebrew name because of the way I experience life, and approach life, through struggle, it in no way means that i see myself as¬†my struggle. ¬†It’s more that I see myself¬†in spite of my struggles.

I am not my struggles.

So who am I, if I am not my struggle?

I am misunderstood. I am loving. ¬†I am compassionate and kind. ¬†I am blunt and sometimes hard to swallow. I can be intense. ¬†Sometimes people can’t tell I’m loving and compassionate because it comes off as angry it is so intense and overwhelming. ¬†I tend to put myself in other people’s shoes, and take things personally for them, often these are complete strangers I will never meet, or even concepts. ¬†But at the same time I don’t pick up my own friend’s offenses when they rant to me, and they get angry that I won’t take their side. ¬†I’m a walking contradiction until you get to know me, and then I make sense. ¬†I am an odd duck. ¬†I don’t want to me anyone but me. ¬†I am a devil’s advocate, and can see many points of view, and have lost many friend’s because they thought I couldn’t see their point of view when I was just trying to help them see someone else’s point of view. ¬†I don’t take sides, because I chose the side of love. Love for all. ¬†We all deserve love. ¬†Even those who really screw up. ¬†I tend to go to extremes before I find balance, and am often likened to a pendulum. ¬†I’m snarky with a dry sarcastic sense of humor, sometimes with a drop of morbid mixed in. ¬†I can’t be sorry for being me, but I’m often alone as a result. ¬† And I can count on half a hand the number of regrets I have in life, because even the mistakes taught me something valuable I couldn’t have lived without.

Someday I will look back, and I will tell my grandchildren all that I have seen in my lifetime. ¬†I will tell them that I remember a time when households didn’t have a computer or a cellphone. ¬†I will explain what a corded phone was and how my mom used to yell at me for wrapping myself in it while she talked with my grandmother on it while she made dinner. ¬†Or how my dad would get mad at me while he recoiled the coil because it got all kinked from me playing in the corded phone. ¬†I can tell them about a time when televisions didn’t have remotes. ¬†Or when tapes were replaced by Compact Discs, or VHS was replaced by DVD. ¬†Now everything can be put on hour phone. ¬†I remember when my mom thought my dad was crazy when he told everyone that someday everyone would carry computers in their pockets that could do everything, even talk to each other across the world in real-time. ¬†That was when we got our first computer. ¬†Now we don’t even need remotes, we can just talk to our televisions. ¬†Its insane. ¬†And whats even more insane is the fact that I am only 30 years old.

Even more powerful yet will be the personal experiences that I share with them. ¬†The heartbreak of the love I walked away from because I couldn’t watch him destroy himself. ¬†It took me 13 years to get over him. ¬†And when I think I’m finally over him, I find myself alone on a dark night, still crying over the man who still holds a piece of my heart.

I survived losing a parent before I was grown, and stayed to finish raising the other parent who is still emotional devoid of being the parent I need.

I will tell my grandkids of the first steps I witnessed of their mom. ¬†Or how about the heartbreak when I was told my children had autism, and I grieved the childhood they would never have. ¬†The joys of parenting I never experienced. ¬†But let me tell you, after years of therapy, when I first heard the words, “I love you mom,” only a mom who has been told her kid will never talk knows how powerful those words can hit. ¬†There is nothing in the world that can take that away from me.

I will tell them of a marriage that would have been easier to walk away from, in a country that makes divorce easier. ¬†But even when I can’t fight any more, even fight for my marriage, I don’t have to leave. ¬†I can stay, and regain strength. Or leave for a while, and regain strength. ¬†To fight another day. ¬†In a generation when divorce is the first answer, or the easy answer, my grandchildren will know that staying in a marriage isn’t something that just past generations did, Its something I will do too. ¬†Because sometimes, some things are worth believing in. ¬†No matter how hard it seems. ¬†I’ve done my share of leaving. ¬†Don’t get me wrong. ¬†But I always return, it’s just a break. ¬†Running away can’t be the first answer. ¬†And I hope they listen. I really hope that I continue to have the courage to stay, or the courage to return. ¬†Some weeks I don’t know. ¬†This week is one of them.

I will survive Chronic Lyme Disease whether the doctors fight me or not.  And we will do it my way, along with all my other chronic health issues and auto immune issues.  Because I will not let my body win.  I will be here to tell all these things to my grandchildren.  My struggles will not win.  They are apart of me.  But they will not defeat me.

So who am I?  I am a woman, sojourning down the path of life. Struggling through this journey. Nay, survivng experiences that many would not believe even if I told them.  Many that would have killed weaker people.  But I tell my story proudly to any who would listen.  Sadly, few listen, and even fewer believe.

Now, I ask myself, who are you?

I am the sum of my experiences. Multiplied by the feeling that I bring with me down the path that those experiences lead me. ¬†This is who I am. ¬†These struggles don’t define me. ¬†But they often introduce me to myself.

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Goodbyes

Once again, I find myself saying goodbye to my husband. It is hard, and I should be used to it by now. But I am not. It is hard, and I don’t like it. 

After living apart for over two years, and not even seeing him for 15 months, the last 28 days have been a breath of fresh air. And while we only have eight month of him being OCONUS left. It still feels like a pointless sacrifice at this point.   Especially since once he gets back stateside, we will have 15 months left of living apart.

I am so over the army at this point. And the uncertainty of the future hurts my fragile heart.  Sometimes, I hate to admit, I wish I didn’t love him so much, so that our separations didn’t hurt so bad.

HaShem, help us make it through this,

Butternut Bake

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Everyday I make my meals.¬† And each time i think, “Wow, that was amazing.¬† I should have taken pictures so I can share this.”¬† So every once in a while I have the foresight to grab the camera.¬† Now this helps me as much as you, as my recipes tend to be a dump it in, and we’ll see how big the explosion amazing it tastes.¬† So when I have the foresight to document my experiments recipes, I can remember the recipe and also share it with all you.

….Or in theory, that is.¬† Problem is my life gets so crazy most of the time, that a few days goes by, and I forget the temperature I baked it at, or the ratios of ingredients.¬† Really, I do try.¬† But getting to the computer is just something I utterly fail at.

A friend recently contacted me wondering if I had updated my blog, as she was keeping her eye out for my recipes.

Margie, my dear, this post is for you.¬† I apologize for how long it has taken me to get this out to you ūüôā

Butternut Bake

  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† 1 Butternut Squash
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† 1/2 c coconut oil, or even margarine
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† 1 tsp garlic minced (or more to taste)
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† Homemade Honey Teriyaki Sauce (Local raw honey, soy sauce, Garlic Powder, Ginger Powder, all to taste)
  • ¬† ¬†¬† 1/4 cup sliced onions
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† Salt (to taste)
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† Pepper to taste
  • ¬†¬†¬†¬† 1/4 to 1/2 c grated Parmesan Cheese

1) Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2) Rub 13x 9 inch glass baking dish with olive oil

3) In response to kids asking if dinner is ready, tell them you are making it now

4) Take your butternut squash, peel it, half it lengthwise, and de-seed.

5) Slice the squash about 1/2 inch thick, and arrange in baking dish

Slightly overlap each slice if need be.
Slightly overlap each slice if need be.

6) Tell the kids, when they ask again if dinner is ready, that it will be ready, whenever it’s ready.

7) Heat coconut oil over medium heat with minced garlic, 2-3 minutes

8) Pour garlic melt over butternut squash

Mmmmm, Garlic!
Mmmmm, Garlic!

9) Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste

10) Threaten the kids, telling them if they bother you one more time, you will eat the whole dinner by yourself, and there will not be any dinner for them

11) Add onions to the top of Butternut squash

12) Pour teriyaki sauce over the Butternut squash

13) Sprinkle Parmesan cheese over top of the whole bake

I used WAY more parmesan than I probably should have.
I used WAY more Parmesan than I probably should have.

Bake for 45 minutes at 375 in oven, or until squash is desired tenderness

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ENJOY!

Perfect
Perfect

Stay warm all.  This weather could be the death of us all. Oy Vey!